hey, what's wrong with you? you're looking kinda down to me..

cos things ain't getting overrrrr
listen to what i say
got to turn around.

wrote a new song yesterday/today. see previous post for lyrics. quite happy with it, but it may get tweaked when i meet up with bodge later, since the primary purpose of said song is to perform it at st. georges with her in march.
and even more on the good news front, i booked a counselling session at college for frday morning. don't care what anyone says about counselling really, it can be really helpful. watched grey's anatomy last night, and the counsellor guy on there? whoo mama, i wouldn't mind.

tip top Tupper.

i've talked to a couple of counsellors before. one of them, at secondary school, was amazing. her name was lisa, and she was lovely. i think i got on with her so well because she was quite young, and she'd done most of the things that i was doing at the time, like drinking and smoking weed and all that good stuff. and she once asked me if i'd lost weight, which is an easy to get on my good side.
the second one was at college, and i didn't like her so much. her name was chris, and she was old. that's not why i disliked her (not really). she was always too quick to agree with whatever i was saying, like if she didn't, she was scared i'd run out of her office and go home and slit my wrists or something.
the one i'm seeing on friday is a man. and.. his name is phil. i'm not sure about this guy already. i'm seriously hoping i like him, because it's getting really hard to keep going every day with no one to talk to about shit.
i thought i could talk to grace about anything, because i thought we were in a pretty similar place. but now i'm not so sure. she walked out of college yesterday and basically had a little 'breakdown' (flipped out in Comedy Dave's lesson for literally no reason, left college and then went to meet her friend at the pub.. breakdown.. yeah..) part of me feels like she did it all for attention (which she undoubtedly attracted).. but then, who am i to decide who genuinely feels like shit and who's doing it for attention? people might say i'm doing it for attention. she's my best friend. and i can't decide if i just don't understand her, or if i don't believe her. does that make me a cunt? honestly, i don't really care.

AVALANCHE.

Don’t breathe, don’t move

Cos I don’t want the earth to spin and alter me and you

I won’t speak; I won’t whisper your name

Cos I’m just scared the words will come and we’ll never be the same again

But like the sunshine dries the rain

You dried up all my tears

You swallowed all my fears

You and me could turn into an avalanche

So beautifully destructive

With so much and then nothing

You and me could turn into an avalanche

So promise me just one thing

You won’t leave me drowning

It’s part of what we do

It’s in our human nature to try and fix something that’s good

It’s not fair, but I know that life’s unjust

So I won’t be surprised when we inevitably turn to dust

And when the snow falls on the ground

The light will turn to dark

Cos we have to leave our mark

You and me could turn into an avalanche

So beautifully destructive

With so much and then nothing

You and me could turn into an avalanche

So promise me just one thing

You won’t leave me drowning

Don’t breathe, don’t move

Cos I don’t want the earth to spin and alter me and you

only one more shit night.

well.. first of all.. KERRY KATONA on Dancing On Ice? well that's my sunday nights tele ruined, cheers then. she is vile.


cannot believe she skated to 'Make You Feel My Love'.. what the fuck was she thinking, ruining that song for literally everyone in the entire world? how selfish.
so today has been yet another bad day, turning a series of bad days into a bad week. can't be arsed to get into details right now tbh, i promise i will eventually but. it's all a bit too much (yes, i said that AGAIN)
anyway, basically- going to sort myself out tomorrow.

"all i know is what i'm missing.."

haven't been back in weston a week, and already i am hideously homesick. i was sorting through all my shit when i couldn't sleep last night, and read my birthday cards from everyone and i just started crying. i miss my mum. so much. there's a lot of shit going on there but i'm not going to get into it now, i can't. i just really miss her right now. when i went back home, she was saying how broke she is at the moment. i thought me moving out would have helped her situation somewhat, but apparently, i've made things worse. then when i came back to weston, my aunty was saying how broke she is. so apparently, i've made things worse for her as well. i think i'm having one of those weeks where it feels like everything's my fault. and in a way, i know it's a really self-indulgent way to view things, and i know i'm feeling sorry for myself. but knowing all that is only making me feel worse to be honest.
Anyway. i did say i wasn't going to use this blog to moan about my shitty life anymore. moaning on the internet makes me feel like a 13 year old emo. i may as well be applying heavy eyeliner and listening to My Chemical Romance.
it's moments like this that just make me want to eat the contents of the fridge. luckily at the moment, that wouldn't be very much. instead of doing that, i'm sat here listening to depressing westlife songs that remind me of my best friend, who is currently in new zealand for 3 months. DWELLER. almost certain this won't make me feel better. whatevs


i miss her.

i think i'm just being a bit of a pussy after 2 weeks at home. now that i've come back, none of it seems real anymore. it's a bit like i never moved. i'm just half expecting to pack up all my shit in a week or so and go back home to my mama.
i think part of me feeling like this is because i don't really think i have anyone to talk to about this shit. and i doubt i'll find anyone to talk to about it anytime soon, if ever. still..
i'll always have these guys..


...rock on. ¬_¬

little miss courtney sat on her blogspot eating her rice and salad.

It's been an awful long time since i wrote on here, and after reading through my previous bloggies, i see that they were all about rhys and my boring life (which revolved around rhys). I have now actually moved to Weston, and it's.. ITE. Anyway, I refuse to continue to make this blog about my boring life, nor will it revolve around a stupid, icky boy.
It is now, as I'm sure you are aware, 2011.
My New Year's Resolution is to lose 3 stone.
Now, before people get the wrong idea about that, let me clear up a few things. I will never be skinny, nor do i ever want to be skinny. However, since I left school, I've probably put on about 3 stone. Now I don't think I'm fat now; whether I carry weight well, or whether I just refuse to believe that I'm fat, remains to be seen. But I do get really sick of people saying to me, "You're a big girl, aren't you?"
Why do people think it's okay to say shit like that to me?
Even 3 stone ago, I wasn't skinny. I still had curves, and chub, but I was more athletic. I did a lot of sports at school, which I guess might have something to do with how I started putting weight on. As soon as I went to college, I pretty much stopped exercising. There were a couple of times when i conciously decided to start doing it again, but they never lasted long, partly because, i'm a lazy bitch, and partly because..

these bitches are annoying as hell.




So I have to really try and make this time different. I have to actually make this time work, because I would love to look how I used to look. So I have decided to start blogging about my attempted weight loss, because I think it might help me to be completely honest about my weight and all sorts (as difficult as it often is). Maybe if I feel brave enough, I'll post pictures so I can see the transition. I think it always helps when you can see the progress.

Anyway, a bit of inspiration for today.

because let's be honest..
it would be nice, wouldn't it?

eep

i have done a shitload of videos in the past couple of days. so. just to plug it a bit more. www.youtube.com/courtneycoston

now that that's over. i feel like im finally becoming more confident to say what i want to say and all that shizznizz. its quite a freeing feeling isnt it? a bit like not wearing knickers. (though i defo dont do that)
someone left me a personal message thing on youtube. and they said really nice things and its made me really happy. they even said i gave them goosebumps. which i have always wanted to do, cos when someone does it to me i fall in love with their music/voice/videos.
so its turning out to be quite a good day. i wrote a new song the other day as well which came out of nowhere. i was thinking about how i always write shitty sad songs about how nobody loves me everybody hates me maybe i should just go die bla bla bla. and so i decided. NO. i wont do that again. cos i dont care. ive been a bit upset about rhys for a while. and its been too long of my life that i'll never get back. so now i just dont care anymore. and that is what the song is about. he is a loser, i can do better, maybe i should just move on. :) so pleased about the song, and my new care free attitude towards gay boys.
anyway my sister has started nursing at uni, and she says she's struggling, and yesterday i helped her with her essay. and we were talking about stationery (LOL) and i was talking about how i really miss college and i cant wait to go back (partly, yes, because i really like stationery and there is no need for it when i'm not in college)
right, im going to eat breakfast now. i dont think those 3 oreos i had really count. especially since i didnt dip them in milk till they went soggy.

who i've been is not who i am; who i am is not who i want to be.

i think my mum has finally realised i am actually moving this year. i've been talking about it for literally MONTHS and ive involved her in all my plans and yet she seems angry at me. which is a bit sad but life goes on. i need to move.

i am quite excited to like, start again and suchlike. new college, new course, new directions.. new friends. new courtney. i have decided i am going to transform myself into who i always wanted to be. the girl who's come from far away and doesn't have any friends. doesn't talk much. on my lunch breaks, perhaps ill just sit on a bench by myself smoking a cigarette and reading dorothy parker. i want to seem mysterious. i've never been mysterious.

it's been so sunny recently. lush. it makes me think of something 'someone' once said to me. he said "the sun makes me think of you" and i asked why, and he said "think of how the sun makes you feel. you are that feeling." that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. we don't talk anymore, and that makes me sad. but. again. life goes on. and back to my big move! i want to get back into reading, and literature and what not cos i used to really love it, but i feel like i left that part of me behind a bit. for reasons unknown even to me. this is my chance to be who i really want to be. and i'm going to take it :)

anyway at the moment i'm reading the colour purple. because i love the film and it's just a really nice story isn't it? bit gutted that the book doesn't have the sistah song in it, but still. recommending it none the less.

you and me, us never part

makidada

you and me, us have one heart

makidada

ain't no ocean, ain't no sea

makidada

keep my sistah 'way from me

makidada

(i dont know what makidada means, but it sounds nice. and i love my sister)