Friday, 23 April 2010


i have done a shitload of videos in the past couple of days. so. just to plug it a bit more.

now that that's over. i feel like im finally becoming more confident to say what i want to say and all that shizznizz. its quite a freeing feeling isnt it? a bit like not wearing knickers. (though i defo dont do that)
someone left me a personal message thing on youtube. and they said really nice things and its made me really happy. they even said i gave them goosebumps. which i have always wanted to do, cos when someone does it to me i fall in love with their music/voice/videos.
so its turning out to be quite a good day. i wrote a new song the other day as well which came out of nowhere. i was thinking about how i always write shitty sad songs about how nobody loves me everybody hates me maybe i should just go die bla bla bla. and so i decided. NO. i wont do that again. cos i dont care. ive been a bit upset about rhys for a while. and its been too long of my life that i'll never get back. so now i just dont care anymore. and that is what the song is about. he is a loser, i can do better, maybe i should just move on. :) so pleased about the song, and my new care free attitude towards gay boys.
anyway my sister has started nursing at uni, and she says she's struggling, and yesterday i helped her with her essay. and we were talking about stationery (LOL) and i was talking about how i really miss college and i cant wait to go back (partly, yes, because i really like stationery and there is no need for it when i'm not in college)
right, im going to eat breakfast now. i dont think those 3 oreos i had really count. especially since i didnt dip them in milk till they went soggy.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

who i've been is not who i am; who i am is not who i want to be.

i think my mum has finally realised i am actually moving this year. i've been talking about it for literally MONTHS and ive involved her in all my plans and yet she seems angry at me. which is a bit sad but life goes on. i need to move.

i am quite excited to like, start again and suchlike. new college, new course, new directions.. new friends. new courtney. i have decided i am going to transform myself into who i always wanted to be. the girl who's come from far away and doesn't have any friends. doesn't talk much. on my lunch breaks, perhaps ill just sit on a bench by myself smoking a cigarette and reading dorothy parker. i want to seem mysterious. i've never been mysterious.

it's been so sunny recently. lush. it makes me think of something 'someone' once said to me. he said "the sun makes me think of you" and i asked why, and he said "think of how the sun makes you feel. you are that feeling." that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. we don't talk anymore, and that makes me sad. but. again. life goes on. and back to my big move! i want to get back into reading, and literature and what not cos i used to really love it, but i feel like i left that part of me behind a bit. for reasons unknown even to me. this is my chance to be who i really want to be. and i'm going to take it :)

anyway at the moment i'm reading the colour purple. because i love the film and it's just a really nice story isn't it? bit gutted that the book doesn't have the sistah song in it, but still. recommending it none the less.

you and me, us never part
you and me, us have one heart
ain't no ocean, ain't no sea
keep my sistah 'way from me

(i dont know what makidada means, but it sounds nice. and i love my sister)

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

pissing the neighbours off

my neighbours must hate me, i'm singing leona lewis (high bits and all) and i don't give a shit :) happy days!
when i am a star they will thank me for the free through-the-wall concerts i gave them back in the day.
anyways, another video on youtube (i am on a roll!) my ma came in halfway through to say bye, so i waved at her. all explained at the end ha :')

im doing covers until i find the inspiration to write a damn song. 3 of my original songs are on my youtube channel (link in previous post) and i have loads more written which arent on there.. but i havent written a song in ages and i feel useless.

i have said all this before so i will shut up now. :)

romance is dead.

okay so first of all, i posted a new video on my youtube, FINALLY!

secondly, AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
that was for two reasons, the first being: i am so fricking excited about saturday. going to innocence to see robin thicke and 112 with my best gal Zia (my 6 year old cousin calls her Zero, it seems to have stuck, at least a little bit) i love her more than life itself right now. we have become obsessed with Sex and the City together (faaabulous!) and also our hair. she's mixed race too so it's easier to be obsessed about my hair with her, cos she just gets it. i am all about being natural now, i swear i am not going to touch my straighteners for the forseeable future. i even moved them from in front of my mirror to on top of my wardobe. yes.. that is commitment. in fact i am going to cambridge today to gets an outfit for saturday night :D :D :D im thinking a playsuit, with my tan strappy heels, curly afro stylee hair, maybe some corn rows thrown in for good luck, you know the dealio, kind of harlem summer chic?
the second reason for that is that because im going to be in cambridge today shopping, i asked rhys if he wanted to meet up and he is being SUCH AN ARSEHOLE about it. i cant believe it. i really should just have enough pride to walk away and be like oi rhys fuck ya, but. then i realise the effort of starting again and how much i hate being a lonely loner. 'ring me when you're in town and ill see what im doing' (he never answers his phone when i ring him) 'dont rely on me though' (i never do, he makes it impossible) 'george might want to do something though' so i said 'then do something with george, it's fine' blaaaaablabla im sick of trying to be nice and stuff so i dont seem like a BITCH. he makes me want to be a bitch and in fact sometimes, he gives me THE RIGHT to be a bitch. cos he is a cunting arsehole the majority of the time. anywaaaay enough about HIM. ugh.
got a text last night from Rib.. speaking of arseholes. 'Fancy a stroll in Memphis?' which might not mean anything to you but to me.. gah. it's cos when we was seeing each other back in the day, he was at uni in northampton and we gave the whole long distance thing a shot, and he used to call me like every night (for the first week) and we'd talk on the phone for hours. and Walking in Memphis was his favourite song, and i'd sing it down the phone to him to try and make him smile. so that song. is loaded. with memories. about him. and me. and he is an idiot to just text me nonchalantly saying that. but it did make me smile. which i needed. i was feeling very melancholy yesterday. so i made some thai soup (tom kha) yum but it was ver ver spicy and made my tummy hurt. the other week was jamaican, this week was thai and next week i'm thinking spanish? does my culinary genius know no bounds?
anyways. i've been trying to tidy my room cos ive lost two of my fave tops, and its driving me insane, i think perhaps my sister took one to her boyfriends and left it there, but she'll never admit it. the bitch brought back a bag of clothes from his a couple of weeks ago and i found one of my thongs in there. WHO IS SHE?!
anyway today is sunny and i am going shopping later and i defo wont see rhys cos he's an arsehole. but i wont let it get me down, im going to wear my sandals and my (fake) raybans and im going to ENJOY MY DAY. in your face rhys, in your damn face.

Monday, 19 April 2010

i need

i need to write a new song. but nothing is inspiring me. all the things ive written recently are a) about how rhys is an arsehole and b) shit. maybe i should just write a song called 'rhys is an arsehole'?

my last song was months ago. and i feel like im going to explode cos i havent written anything in so long. but the words just arent coming together like they should. maybe i have lost my touch. oyyy.

i think ill just get to it and write something nice.
about love, or the lack of it. (for a change)

Friday, 16 April 2010


i hate my fucking puppy. she is a right old dirt bag. i went downstairs and saw she had eaten a whole big bar of dairy milk that i'd got for easter. told my ma and ma got all worried and now says i have to 'keep an eye on her' all day. she googled it and found out that she'll probs get vomity and poopy and might even go blind. GOOD. that will save me from punishing her for not only eating poison, but for eating MY poison. bitch.

watching sex and the city today as i have the day off work. that's about as exciting as it gets for me i suppose. rhys ignores my calls and i'm starting to wonder why i bother. in the words of Mr. Big (ish) "he can reach me. but i can never get him." men are arseholes.
sometimes i would like to be thinner and prettier and i think that will solve all my problems. boys will automatically start being nice to me, it won't matter if my dog eats my chocolate cos i'll be thin and won't want it anyway.
maybe i just need to take yesterdays make up off, play my guitar and try and take a pretty picture of me cos im bored of the old one. life gets me down. ironically, i can't wait to move to weston-super-mare. even a shitty old seaside town is better than here.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

oi you mug.


cancelled my original plans to get wasted with beckie, and instead made plans to go to cambridge to see rhys. i am a shitty friend. but it gets worse. rhys ignored my calls all day and didn't even have the balls to tell me he was standing me up. ended up going to the pub to see beckie and getting all drunk and depressed and giving bill a kiss on the mouth. i couldn't help myself, that old aberdeen fox. it must be the way he says 'pinch a tatty' when i complain that i'm hungry. it's all about the accents.

anyway, was very angry at rhys and the world in general and decided i would hate him forever. called him an arsehole and a cunt at various points throughout the day.


spoke to rhys, and to my shock and horror i wasn't even angry at him. i told him "i wasted all day yesterday being angry with you and i won't do it again today so it's cool" it clearly isn't cool, he clearly is an arsehole and a cunt, but me beings a mug, it was cool then. ended up going all the way to cambridge (missions) to see him for not even an hour and a half, waste of my life really. all we did was smoke my cigarettes. and then i had to come all the way back for work, and ofcourse because it was racing, it was too busy for my liking, usually i just like to sit at the table drinking lime+lemonade and folding napkins. lots of drunk peoples asking to be served and then telling me to go away as soon as i got there. man with a leathery face asking to take me home and telling me he'll take me to switzerland. like it was an offer i couldn't refuse.

^ pretty close in resemblance to leather-faced man.


sitting in bed watching the sword in the stone. wondering why it is that me (and a lot of other girls) do end up being such mugs for blokes. bad habit? force of nature? peer pressure? (running out of ideas now) whatever, boys just need to be NICER. and girls just need to stop making everything about BOYS. (like i have just done. whatevs) work later. racing again today. hope leatherface isn't back. :)